Clichè Dear Diary I Guess – Senior Year Zooming By

Dear Diary, 

I’ve never been good at expressing my emotions. I kinda just let them build and build until I burst. The only problem is I still don’t exactly know which emotions I’m trying to express. 

Sadness? Anger? Disappointment? I don’t know. 

One thing I do know is that I’m even more sleep deprived than I typically am, and that says a lot considering I only get about 5-6 hours on a good day. 

I still find it quite ironic that I’m sleep deprived, when I’m literally home all the time now.

There’s just too many things swirling and spinning in my mind, keeping me up, not letting me sleep. The endless thoughts of when COVID will end or better yet IF it’ll end. Thoughts about what it would be like when masks are no longer in order, and I’m able to actually see if people are smiling from their teeth and not just their eye squints.

As I said before, these days my life consists of staying at home, barely being able to keep my eyes open on Zoom, lacking the motivation to do homework in any way, shape, or form. Along with most importantly me barely finding time to not break apart and fall into a pit of depression. 

Online school has been tearing me apart mentally, physically, and emotionally. 

Therefore, this is probably the only time that I would ever admit that I miss school. 

Weird right? 

Weird to say that I now miss the thing I constantly dreaded not too long ago.

I miss showing up late to first hour because my sister couldn’t figure out what she wanted to wear.  I miss my teachers being on my back about deadlines on assignments I didn’t want to do. I miss getting in trouble by the hall monitors for not wearing my ID. I miss eagerly refreshing my Twitter to see if Dr.Matthews called a snow day. I miss it. 

When we’re little we don’t imagine our last year of highschool like this. Us being trapped in our homes, being forced to learn through only a screen. Lacking the motivation to do work. Instead we imagine us with mask free smiles on our faces, going to football games or prom where social distancing was never an issue. When we’re little school we want nothing more than to be where we are now, but now that I’m here, I wish it would all just slow down.

But for now the most important thing is everyone else’s safety, not my own personal desires that some may even call selfish.

As lucky as I am that my family and anyone close to me hasn’t been directly affected by COVID-19, I understand that it’s not the same case for other people.

And because of that all I can do is play my part in the community, by wearing a mask and properly social distancing myself from others.

For now, the things “I miss” will have to wait.

For now things are gonna just have to stay how they are. My closest interaction with my friends will just have to be a group FaceTime call. My high school basketball season will just have to consist of me playing by myself in my driveway.

For now we’ll just have to wait and see what will happen, and hope for that day to come when we call things “normal” again.