Remember It’s OK – It’s OK not to be OK

Depression can be a really hard thing to deal with in the moment. You can’t bring yourself to care about anything. You feel angry, then sad. Then just numb. 

I’ve been there.

2020 really put me through it. I was in and out of hospitals and really had a lot going on at home. My outlook on the world depended largely on how I was physically doing, which, for extended periods of time, was really bad. 

When the worst of it was over, I was told by someone to not have a “Why me?” attitude. This stung because I had no way of explaining that it wasn’t something I could just snap out of. 

At first, I tried to force myself to anyway.

But one thing I realized right off the bat was that I didn’t actually have a “Why me?” attitude. Everything had already happened, and I fully understood that the best direction to move was forward.

I was, in fact, thankful even, for my experiences because they taught me to be appreciative of the small things in life.

I loved my body for everything she did for me. I cherished every headache-less minute I was given. I was thankful for my abilities to focus and do well in school again.

So the way I was inwardly feeling – it wasn’t because of anything in particular. That’s part of what made it so hard. 

The fact that I couldn’t explain to my mom why I wasn’t letting her in. I had no way of making her understand why I physically couldn’t bring myself to do that thing I was putting off.

I didn’t understand myself. How could I even begin to feel better if I didn’t know my own thoughts?

The answer is, I couldn’t. I had to first recognize that not everything had to make sense.

If you’re ever in this position, know that it’s OK to feel the way you are feeling. You are allowed to be sad and do whatever you need to do to cope.

Sometimes, a cry session might be what it takes to get it all out and move on with your life. Other times, it takes more than that. 

The main thing to always remember is that your feelings are always valid. You really don’t have to know how to “fix” anything. If it takes everything you got just to get out of bed in the morning, you are still doing great.  

There are going to be days that are not so good. That’s just life throwing you its lemons. Have faith that better days will come, and focus on the present. You are living. Allow yourself to feel and give yourself time to adjust. 

It’s OK to not be OK.